Out of all the parts of an email, the sign off is definitely the last.
That’s why we’ve all had that moment where we’ve overthought how to end a perfect email. It’s like picking out your underwear before a first date: even though you know probably no one will see it, you still want it to be perfect just in case.
If it’s too professional, you’ll look like a stuck up curmudgeon. If it’s too casual, you’ll look like a goddamn toddler. If it’s too robotic, you’ll look like an inattentive husband from a Lifetime original movie where the whole town suspects you murdered your wife. If it’s too eager, you’ll look like a friendzoned incel from a Lifetime original movie who turns out to be the one who actually murdered the wife.
To help guide you on your journey, here are five email sign offs ranked by how intimately sexual they are. These sign offs range from waiting to hold hands until marriage to sorry, pizza guy, I’m all out of cash, is there any other way I can pay you.
This sign off is used mainly when you email to ask for something, usually for free. You’ll find this at the end of emails asking to pick your brain, offering you work for exposure, or demanding you pay a bill that’s overdue.
There’s nothing less sexy than unpaid labor.
4) All the best
Really? You want me to have all the best? Don’t be condescending. You and I both know you want some best for yourself as well.
I’m not a competitive person, but you’re clearly trying to get me to drop my guard so you can take the best. If you keep trying to gaslight me, I will punch you in the throat. Wishing you all the best as you recover from a collapsed trachea.
3) [Calendly link]
The ultimate coffee-is-for-closers email signature.
The Calendly link email sign off is the perfect mix of dominance, mystery, and vulnerability. It’s the Edward Cullen of hyperlinks.
It says you can take me whenever you want me, but I won’t chase. You’ll have to make the first move. Once you do, you may find my heart is totally open for you, or you may find I’ve got many suitors scheduling 15 minute Zoom consultations.
What a bizarrely intimate way to end an email.
It reminds me of a Vietnam soldier receiving a postcard from his high school sweetheart still back in their hometown. In it, she swears that she is waiting for him, that her love will never falter, and that after we have a decisive victory against the Viet Cong and America fulfills its promise of taking care of our Vietnam veterans, they will live a long happy life together. Sincerely.
Don’t say “sincerely” to me unless you’re planning to marry me in a backyard wedding with the dogwood flowers in full bloom.
If you put yours at the end of an email, you’re a sub. We all know it. Lowkey, I think you want us all to know it. You might as well end your email with “There’s a pair of fuzzy handcuffs in my nightstand drawer.”
I couldn’t imagine indiscriminately telling my email contacts that I’m theirs, that I belong to them, that they own me. I don’t mean to kink shame, but keep your yours to yourself.